As children grow older, contact seems to become less frequent—and I’m not just talking about teenagers here. Whether you have estranged adult children or find that those phone calls are becoming fewer and farther between, the lack of communication can be heartbreaking.
When people were asked why they think their estranged adult children don’t speak to them anymore or why they cut off contact with their own parents, they didn’t hold back.
Here are the shocking reasons why adult children have no contact with their parents:
1. Addiction
“My 23-year-old hasn’t spoken to me in four years. It was completely my fault. I’ve struggled with addiction (alcohol), and for most of her childhood, I was bad. I hope to be able to apologize to her someday, but, I completely understand and respect her decision.”
2. Divorce and being replaced by a new family
“My adult children do not communicate with their father at all.
“He remarried about a week after our divorce was final, and he and his new wife went on to have children of their own. Over time, his visits with the children became more infrequent and stressful due to his wife’s distaste for me and my children. He has had no contact with the kids in over three years, and his previous attempt was four years before that.
“My youngest says he will never forgive his father for replacing us all with a new family and forgetting us. The oldest says it’s just not worth chasing someone who has no interest. Personally, I’m sad and angry on their behalf. He divorced me, not them.”
3. Toxic religion
“I know of a cousin whose parents fired him from their family business because he refused to take his wife and children to their church and worship the way they did.
“In retaliation, he and his wife refused to allow his parents to see the grandchildren. They sued. They lost.
“They never were able to see their grandchildren and eventually died. He ended up with the business anyway by default, not by the will. They lost decades of grandchildren just by being stubborn. Nobody in the family had anything to do with them for the last 35 years of their lives, and they were miserable.”
4. Emotional unavailability
“I was very deep in resolving my own trauma when my kids were growing up. I was often distant and emotionally unavailable. I wasn’t the parent they deserved. It is the greatest sorrow of my life; I did to my kids what my mom did to me. I can’t be sorry enough.”
5. They were given an ultimatum
“Their dad gave an ultimatum—if they wanted to have a relationship with him, they had to go no contact with me. My middle child agreed to those terms,” wrote one parent with estranged adult children.
Offering the other perspective, one adult child responded, “My dad gave an ultimatum as well, ‘Talk to me, or I’m taking you out of the will.’ I wasn’t going to be threatened like that, and we haven’t spoken since. That was a lose-lose for me. (If I) accepted the money, and then that’s the only reason I came back (it makes me look bad). (If I) don’t come back to the family, I’m still (wrong).”
6. Poor listening skills
“My ex complains that our daughter rarely calls him. I’ve told him many, many times that if he wanted her to call more often, he needed to listen to her.
“He’s a pretty narcissistic dude who only wants to talk, and if he takes a breath and you try to jump into the conversation, he either gets louder to drown you out or he goes dead silent, clearly in his ‘waiting until you shut up so I can talk’ mode.
“He never asks questions or expresses any interest in their lives. My son puts up with it because he can direct some of the conversation by bringing up sports or books or whatever, and then they can have somewhat of a discourse. Listening to the inevitable droning lecture is always included.
“My daughter has little patience for that, so she rarely calls him. Even after I told him what he should try, he ignored me, which is what he did for nearly the entirety of our marriage. He still periodically bemoans the fact that she doesn’t call.”
7. The wicked stepparent
“I have four kids. My two oldest aren’t living with me. My oldest daughter talks to me some. My oldest son wishes me dead.
“I made many, many mistakes when my kids came back to live with me (ex-wife lost custody). My (daughter) hated my girlfriend. She was right. My girlfriend was terrible, and consequently, so was I.
“My daughter left to go back with her mother as she was not doing well here. My relationship made my eldest son’s life miserable too. During that time, I broke up with (my girlfriend). It was too late. My eldest son left to go be with his mother and sister.
“He is mad at me, and I know I made some pretty bad decisions. I have accepted the fact I may never have a relationship with him ever again.”
8. Lack of protection from a bad parent
“Their mother has bipolar depression. She was violent. She has gotten help, but she still hurt them.
“I did not protect them. Their not being around me is justified. They should be angry. We (messed) up. They didn’t do anything wrong, and they need to heal as they see fit. Kids not being around their parents have valid reasons. Most people just can’t accept it.”
9. Immaturity
“I am a parent of a child who does still talk to me but rarely, and I fully accept that it is my fault.
“I was an immature parent and made some bad decisions in addition to being inconsistent with my parenting. I am also on the Spectrum, but that’s something I didn’t find out until a few years ago when my son was diagnosed. I know I wasn’t great. I understand my daughter, and I try to give her space.”
10. Narcissism
Explaining why his cousins have no contact with his uncle, one individual stated, “I think my uncle would say it’s because his sons were brainwashed by their wives.
“The truth is, I think my cousins didn’t see that my Uncle’s diagnosed narcissism wasn’t normal because they were raised by him. Their wives, as outsiders, pointed this out to them for the first time, and they made their decision from there.”
11. Parent and child are too alike
“I had a patient who didn’t talk to her youngest daughter. We were very close, so I asked her why she thought her daughter had distanced herself away from her.
“She simply said that they were too alike. They butted heads, even over little things. She did admit that since they distanced themselves from each other, she has had more peace, and she thinks her daughter does too.”
12. They were critical of their child’s spouse
“Five years ago, on Thanksgiving, my mother told me that my wife and I are bad parents because our daughter is an only child.
“Then (she) followed it up by saying my wife graduated from a terrible high school. She topped it off with an ugly racist remark about my white sister-in-law being married to a black man.
“Lastly, she said I was not allowed to tell my wife any of this. That lasted about 45 seconds. That was the end of that.”
13. No effort
“I don’t talk to my parents because they don’t make an effort to talk to me. Why should I give them the time?” said one adult child.
Another retorted, “Let me guess, you get the ‘CALL ME more and come visit more,’ but they never visit or call you unless they need something.”
14. Politics
“I had no contact with my dad for some years. (It was) mostly typical MAGA Boomer stuff that tipped the scales, but there were other festering issues.
“Last year, he and I were both diagnosed with cancer three weeks apart. I was okay after surgery. He was terminal and lived another 6 months. I went from no contact to quitting my job along with my mother. We were his 24/7 caretakers til the end. I mostly did this for my mom’s benefit as we are very close.
“We never discussed our rift, and I never got closure, but it did reveal a very scared and sensitive man underneath. There was a distinct change of demeanor. He told me he loved me constantly. He made peace with a family member none of us thought he’d ever speak to again, even told her he loved her. The air around him practically vibrated with guilt.
“I still struggle with the idea of forgiveness in many ways, but I can at least say now I understand the person he was. I didn’t get the father I wished for, but I do see now that he wasn’t the father he wanted to be either, and he knew it.
“Brian Simpson mentioned something along these lines once, and it really stuck with me, ‘I don’t want to hate anyone. I want to love you—I just need to figure out how far away you need to be for me to love you.'”
This article was written and syndicated by What the Fab.
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Elise Armitage is an entrepreneur and founder of What The Fab, a travel + lifestyle blog based in California. At the beginning of 2019, Elise left her corporate job at Google to chase her dreams: being an entrepreneur and helping women find fabulous in the everyday. Since then, she’s launched her SEO course Six-Figure SEO, where she teaches bloggers how to create a passive revenue stream from their website using SEO. Featured in publications like Forbes, Elle, HerMoney, and Real Simple, Elise is a firm believer that you can be of both substance and style.
