Relationships between stepparents and their new stepchildren can be tedious. While some kids feel as though the new addition to their family is another real parent, others keep their distance. Then there’s the spouse, or biological parent, who can struggle to let go of being the sole decision-maker when it comes to their kids.
When one stepdaughter started acting up, a stepfather took it upon himself to threaten some serious discipline—kicking her out of the house entirely. Her mom was having none of it, claiming that he was not her parent, overstepping, and lacking the authority to make that decision.
The stepfather took to the internet to figure out if he was in the wrong or if his wife was the one out of line.
Here’s how the story unfolded and what the internet had to say:
Background
The stepfather, or original poster (OP), met his current wife when his stepdaughter, Kelly, was just five years old. Within a year, Kelly and her mother moved into OP’s home, which has been in his family for generations.
OP also has a daughter of his own from a previous relationship, Nina, and has another daughter with Kelly’s mother, Anna. Nina’s mother unfortunately died during childbirth.
Kelly is now 16, OP is 40, Nina is 12, and OP and Anna’s shared daughter is six. Each girl has her own room and an ensuite, except the six-year-old who shares her bathroom with OP and Anna.
What happened?
About a month prior to OP’s post, Nina, OP’s daughter, would come home crying after school. She was being bullied, which resulted in OP and his wife, Anna, spending tons of time trying to get the school to intervene and figure out the source of the situation.
Weeks later, OP and Anna found out that it was Kelly, Anna’s daughter, who was spreading rumors about Nina. Among them were rumors about Nina’s weight and her having an eating disorder, despite being perfectly healthy, and claims that Nina is only good at sports because “her daddy pays for it.”
What really enraged OP were rumors about Nina not having a mother, such as her mother being glad she passed so she doesn’t need to put up with Nina. Kelly had been acting like Nina’s friend the whole time, not raising any suspicions.
Did OP confront Kelly?
Furious, OP confronted Kelly about the rumors she was fabricating. He insisted that Kelly apologize to Nina, stressing how horrible the rumors she started were. OP told Kelly that she would be grounded.
How did Kelly react?
Kelly did not take OP’s confrontation well. She accused OP of favoring Nina, as Nina has a larger bedroom than her, and Kelly wanted more space. This further frustrated OP as Nina does have a smaller bathroom, and Kelly has refused to swap rooms with the six-year-old as she wants her own bathroom.
She then claimed that Nina was a threat to her reputation and continued to say awful things about both Nina and the couple’s six-year-old daughter.
What did OP do?
At that point, OP was at the end of his rope. He told Kelly that she had 48 hours to pack her things, then he would be dropping her off at her dad’s house, “where she will have to share a room and the bathroom with her other half-siblings.”
Did Anna have anything to say about the situation?
Originally, Anna reacted to her husband’s punishment for Kelly by saying that he has “no right to parent Kelly.” OP didn’t agree with this, as “she is in (his) home, and her behavior towards (his) daughters is not acceptable.”
After hearing more about the situation, Anna was shocked and horrified by the things Kelly was saying about Nina and the couple’s six-year-old daughter. According to Anna, Kelly didn’t tell her the full extent of the situation, placing the blame for the rumors on others and hiding most of the story from her.
Is Kelly kicked out of the house permanently?
Although OP made it sound like he was kicking Kelly out of the house for good, in a follow-up statement, he clarified that his punishment for Kelly was not permanent. He only wanted her out of the house until Kelly apologized to Nina for her actions and apologized to him and Anna for what Kelly said about their six-year-old because some of those words were “unnecessarily cruel and untrue.”
In OP’s words, the solution was “more to separate (Kelly) from Nina and the six-year-old to make sure no more damage is done while we are not watching. If roles were reversed and it was Nina who was at fault, I would have sent her to her grandparents to sort out the next move.”
Was OP wrong for what he did? The internet shared their thoughts:
OP does have a right to parent Kelly
“If they happily accepted your ‘right’ to parent her when it was about providing an ample four-bedroom house, including a bedroom with an ensuite for Kelly, then they should have no problem seeing your right to parent her when she is trying to ruin the lives of her sisters,” wrote one responder.
Another agreed, saying, “These responses from parents in blended families always give me pause. You can provide financial and emotional support, but when it comes to discipline, suddenly you are not a real parent and should know your place.”
Kelly is jealous of her sisters
“She’s jealous. Kelly’s parents have both moved on from their marriage and have new homes, partners, and new children. She’s the one who feels on the outside.
“She is the only one who has to go back and forth, seeing her younger half-siblings having stable lives with both parents while she doesn’t have one permanent home or one family. She is only 16. She’s at the prime age for teenage rebellion, hormones running wild, social and mental health issues erupting, and figuring out who she is and how she fits in the world.
“I’m absolutely not surprised that she could have seemed to be coping well until now, and then suddenly there are new behavior issues and bullying because she’s jealous of her siblings and doesn’t know how to deal with those emotions.
“It needs to be dealt with by all four of her parents coming together to help her, not by two of them fighting and sending her away. I think OP is not making the best decision, but given he doesn’t have the support of his wife to help Kelly and protect their other children, I think he’s choosing the best of his available options. They should be talking to (Kelly’s biological father) about life over at their house too, and setting consistent boundaries as a team.”
Where was Anna in determining this punishment?
“Parents should work as a team and be on the same page. Anna should have been involved in the conversation in the first place. I don’t think one parent should remove a child from the house. That should be a ‘two yes’ decision, especially when the child is your stepchild.
“He agreed to take the child in and help raise her. Did he think there would not ever be issues?
“Not saying Kelly shouldn’t be punished. Just saying she should not be punished and kicked out, even temporarily, by OP, with no input from Anna. (If) anyone told me they sent my kid away without warning or discussion, I would be looking for a new place to live.”
Kelly might actually need to be met with love, not vengeance
“When kids are acting out like this, they need more than ever to see they are still loved. You don’t have to like Kelly, and you should absolutely have her face consequences over her behavior, but I think kicking her out of the house to stay with her father undoes all the work you’ve put in to make yourself a father figure to her and part of her family. It teaches her that, in your eyes, she really is just second-class compared to her sisters.
“I don’t think that you should let it slide by ANY means, but unless someone is in imminent physical danger, I don’t think kicking a kid out of the house is the right call. If it ever gets to that point, there needs to be a conversation from a place of love—not anger—explaining that it’s best for everyone’s health to have some space for a set amount of time.
“I would have a conversation with Kelly and apologize for pushing her out of the house. Explain how immensely hurtful it is to hear your stepdaughter—someone you love dearly—say vile things about your late wife. Lay out why her behavior is unacceptable and what the consequences are.
“Continue to ask questions and push for real answers. Offer support and therapy if needed. If you kick your stepkid out, you’re just creating more problems for yourself down the line.”
See also: Using Cognitive Behavioral Therapy to Deal with Worry
OP had no other option but to punish Kelly, and Anna needs to step up her parenting game
“Nina is growing up feeling that her older sister is a bully who hates her and attempts to hurt her in terrible ways that are hard to fix. That does not lead to it being better when they’re older. It leads to your other daughters being permanently hurt and wanting nothing to do with Kelly as an adult.
“Anna needs to teach Kelly to behave better now. If she refuses to let you discipline Kelly, then she should have done it herself so that Kelly never behaves like this again. If you’re not Kelly’s parent and can’t discipline her, then Kelly’s welfare is not your responsibility. Nina’s absolutely is. You shouldn’t be making your children live with a bully who is trying to hurt them.
“You shouldn’t back down. You should be angry with Anna for refusing to discipline her child, leaving you with no other way to protect yours. The ideal answer is for you both to treat all three as your children and teach them to live together as sisters. You can’t treat them equally if one is immune to discipline and two are not.
“That said: This isn’t a great call either. Kelly has just been taught that the home is not really her home, outright validating her fear of inferior treatment. It’s going to be very, very hard now to stop her treating you as the enemy. The right answer was to hammer this out with Anna first and not let Anna duck out of taking responsibility for her daughter’s bullying of children.”
OP is not wrong for wanting to punish Kelly, but is going down the wrong path
“Separating the kids is fine. Sending the 16-year-old to a grandparent or your sister’s sibling would have worked. Sending the kid to her biological parent sends the message that she’s not welcome in your household and that you are sending her back where she came from.
“You should NEVER use the father for punishment. My guess is that’s where the problem lies; that your stepdaughter is struggling with feeling out of place in your household because she’s coming in as a stepchild. Using her father as punishment reinforces that view. If she views that she’s an outsider and that (Nina) and the six-year-old aren’t really her family or that they are more loved than she is, she won’t respect them and may continue to bully them.
“You and your wife need to have a conversation to create a plan for how to deal with this. You are right that it is unacceptable for a 16-year-old to bully a 12-year-old sibling like this, but you need to both be on the same page. Her mother needs to be there in lock-step with you in order to give this legitimacy. You should also have a conversation about getting therapy for your teenager.
“Then, you AND your wife need to have a conversation with your teenager and establish the following: she is a member of this household and is very much loved by both you and your wife, along with her sisters; it is unacceptable for family members to hurt each other the way that the 16-year-old hurt the 12-year-old; and reiterate that there are consequences for such behavior. Explain what the consequences will be if this behavior continues.”
This article was written and syndicated by What the Fab.
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Elise Armitage is an entrepreneur and founder of What The Fab, a travel + lifestyle blog based in California. At the beginning of 2019, Elise left her corporate job at Google to chase her dreams: being an entrepreneur and helping women find fabulous in the everyday. Since then, she’s launched her SEO course Six-Figure SEO, where she teaches bloggers how to create a passive revenue stream from their website using SEO. Featured in publications like Forbes, Elle, HerMoney, and Real Simple, Elise is a firm believer that you can be of both substance and style.
