Did this partying dad mess up big time, or is his wife just being dramatic?
Becoming a parent causes huge changes to your social life, as young children require nonstop care. This father, however, didn’t like that idea so much.
Despite having a two-year-old daughter, he met up with friends once a week or more while his wife stayed home. When she finally made plans to go out, the father couldn’t even manage to watch his child for one night, calling on a family member to babysit so that he could go party.
After his wife got mad, the father took to the internet to ask if he was wrong for leaving on her night out—they didn’t hold back their opinions.
This is how the story played out:
Background
The father, or the original poster (OP), and his wife have a two-year-old daughter. OP describes his wife as not being very social, as she only likes to spend time with him. He says that even though he is more social, that declined after the couple had their child.
How often do OP and his wife see their friends?
Post-child, OP’s wife only meets up with her friends around six times a year. OP, on the other hand, sees his friends regularly.
OP hangs out with the same three friends once a week for game night. Sometimes, game night is in person. Other times, it’s virtual. Additionally, he has a separate group of friends that he sees every two months.
Who takes care of the child when OP is out?
If OP goes out, his wife takes care of their daughter. OP says that he tries to help his wife with dinner and bedtime, but as his daughter’s bedtime is 7:30 p.m., sometimes he leaves too early to lend a hand.
OP tries to make it sound like his daughter is easy to care for, stating that she usually sleeps through the night and only “wakes up fussing maybe 5% of the time,” in his words.
To justify his social life, OP explains, “I always offer for my wife sleep in the next day, or something similar in exchange for me going out so that it’s not a one-sided thing.”
What happened?
OP’s wife made plans to spend an evening with her friends—a rarity. She told OP that she would be out from 6 p.m. until late, meaning that he’d need to care for their daughter.
Shortly after his wife made plans, OP received an invitation to his friend’s birthday party—one of the friends that he only sees once every two months. The party was the same evening that his wife already made plans for. If OP accepted the invite, he would be gone from 5 p.m. until late, leaving even earlier than his wife.
He hadn’t seen this friend in exactly one month, so the invitation was enticing.
Did OP accept the invitation?
Caught in a predicament, OP had to decide whether to accept the invitation or stay home with his daughter.
OP decided the invitation was too good to resist. He suggested to his wife that they ask one of her relatives to watch their daughter for the evening so that he could go. In his plan, he would be the on-call parent in case an issue with his daughter arises while they’re out.
Was OP’s wife on board with his plan?
OP’s plan irritated his wife. She thought that OP should stay home and watch their daughter instead of partying. Despite this, OP decided to contact his wife’s family member anyway, who agreed to watch their daughter at 5 p.m. and have her stay the night.
“I made it clear that this will not affect her plans at all. I will be responsible for dropoff and pickup of our daughter and will not ask anything of my wife because I understand that it is rare for her to have a night out like this, so I don’t want her to change her plans at all. She still thinks that I should stay home,” said OP.
Does this family member watch OP’s daughter frequently?
It sounds like the couple often calls on his wife’s relative for help.
“My daughter has her own room at this family member’s house, as well as another’s. This is because they care for our daughter on the three days a week when both my wife and I work so that we don’t have to pay for daycare.
“We are extremely lucky to have such helpful family, and the reason she has her own room at these places isn’t because we ‘pawn her off’ there frequently. It is because she naps at these places three days a week and on occasional evenings.
“Both family members are empty nesters who admittedly love caring for our daughter and other young family members. We try to compensate them, but they often refuse, and they even go so far as to ask to have our daughter over,” describes OP.
Why does OP’s wife think he should stay home?
According to OP, his wife thinks that he should stay home with their daughter because she’s always covering for him, and he should return the favor.
OP’s wife also is concerned that the couple calls this family member way too often for help, asking too much of them.
What’s OP’s argument?
Although OP’s wife feels like OP isn’t covering for her, he feels like he is covering because his solution doesn’t affect her plans or require effort from her side.
In regards to his wife’s concerns, OP says, “This family member loves watching our daughter, and my wife is often quick to agree to leave our daughter there for sleepovers plenty of other evenings out of convenience (e.g., we will be there for dinner and put our daughter to sleep there so we can visit longer, then we will leave her there for the night) so I don’t see why this time it’s too much to ask.”
Could OP’s wife be punishing him?
OP sure feels like she is, saying, “I feel like she wants me to stay home as a form of punishment for going out more frequently than she would prefer.
“‘Punishment’ feels too strong of a word. I don’t think there is any major resentment behind this or anything. I just don’t know how else to describe the feeling,” says OP.
Is OP wrong for not staying home? People weighed in:
OP’s wife is just asking for a mental break
“This is more about the emotional load than logical reasoning.
“Your wife is likely not going to be enjoying herself the same way she would if you had stayed at home. She isn’t necessarily going to worry all night, but she will be aware that your daughter is out of the house. She’s going to mentally check in—now they are driving over, now she’s likely settling down, now you are picking her up, time for bed again.
“Every time she mentally checks in, she exerts a little effort…If your wife is like many parents I know, especially the main caregivers, she is always alert. She’s always on.
“You being home with your daughter doesn’t turn that off, but it does lessen the amount that it happens. The mental load of knowing your child is as safe as possible with their other parent is different from knowing they are driving around and at another house.
“You get to go out. You get mental breaks from parenthood. She doesn’t get the same breaks. She’s asking for one now.
“You need to decide—does it really matter who’s right here? Your wife is unhappy…Even if you think my reasoning is completely irrelevant, is this birthday party really worth it?”
OP isn’t being an equal partner
“I think the real issue is that one of the rare times she decides to go out after these plans are already made, he suddenly decides he has to go out too. He can’t stay home with his kid for one night?
“I don’t think it’s really the party or even the family member watching the kid. It’s the growing resentment of not having an equal partner. He doesn’t do his fair share of raising their child, and she is quickly losing her patience with being a married single mother.”
Why can’t OP give his wife one night?
“[You’re in the wrong], she barely goes out. You go out all the time! Why can’t you give your wife this one night and spend time with your toddler???”
Another added, “This is what was really weird…he admits he goes out every week plus some. Compared to her six times….Like, does he know how many weeks there are in a year?”
Optics are important here
“From the wife’s perspective, the moment the OP is asked to handle childcare alone so she can go out, he offloads the responsibility on a family member. Whereas every time he goes out, she handles childcare herself.
“Now, if the wife had a bigger sample size to work from, maybe this wouldn’t be an issue. But this is how it stands now.”
This article was written and syndicated by What the Fab.
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Elise Armitage is an entrepreneur and founder of What The Fab, a travel + lifestyle blog based in California. At the beginning of 2019, Elise left her corporate job at Google to chase her dreams: being an entrepreneur and helping women find fabulous in the everyday. Since then, she’s launched her SEO course Six-Figure SEO, where she teaches bloggers how to create a passive revenue stream from their website using SEO. Featured in publications like Forbes, Elle, HerMoney, and Real Simple, Elise is a firm believer that you can be of both substance and style.
