Between cooking, cleaning, balancing budgets, and being responsible for the needs of their children, many stay-at-home parents would say that their responsibilities are a real job.
Yet, one man refused to believe that his wife did hard work as a stay-at-home mom when he boasted that he could do her work with ease. His wife, a former Ivy League engineering student who dropped out to raise their child and support her husband’s career ambitions, wasn’t happy about it.
Is there more to this story than meets the eye? Here’s how it played out and what the internet had to say:
Backstory
The husband in question, or original poster (OP), has a wife and daughter. He and his wife are both 30 years old, and their daughter is seven.
OP and his wife met in college. She was an international student studying physics and computer science, but unfortunately, she had an issue with her tuition loan and couldn’t afford to complete her degree.
Did OP’s wife ever get to finish her degree?
To allow OP’s wife to stay in the country, the couple got married. Eventually, his wife found the funds to complete her degree and wanted to do so, but at that point, OP got a good job in finance and was working on completing his master’s degree, so she agreed to be a stay-at-home mom.
This allowed the couple to have a child at a young age. OP could still afford to buy a home for them, even without his wife having a salary. OP’s wife now only does programming as a hobby.
Does OP’s wife still want to go back to school?
OP’s wife talks about all of the things she could accomplish if she went back to school to finish her degree. OP has never actually asked her if she wants to because she always ends her wistful thinking with the statement that it might be too late for her now.
Does OP want his wife to go back to school?
To discourage his wife from going back to school, OP told her that it might be too late for her to finish her degree because starting a career late is tough. OP’s wife going back to school is bad in his eyes because he would be paying for it, and she would have less time for their daughter.
OP also doesn’t want his wife to go back to school because he wants a second child and doesn’t think they can afford another child and his wife’s tuition. He also doesn’t want to send his wife to the caliber of school they originally attended. They both went to an Ivy League college.
How does the couple split household chores?
OP calls his wife a “great SAHM” for how well she takes care of the house. She likes to poke fun at him for being unable to do household tasks, like loading the dishwasher, to her standards.
He says that when they agreed that she would be a stay-at-home mother, they agreed that she would handle the majority of household chores. He only pitches in to help occasionally when they are both home if she asks.
What happened?
One day, when telling OP about the errands she ran earlier, OP’s wife excitedly explained how she optimized the cost of the household groceries by purchasing specific items at specific stores. She factored in the cost of travel between stores to achieve the most savings.
OP describes that she teased him about his inability to budget the groceries as she did in a “‘what would you ever do without me?’ kind of way.”
How did OP react?
OP didn’t take kindly to his wife’s attitude. In his response, he cited that he had a master’s degree and works in finance, where he frequently solves complex problems, and that what he does “involves more intellect than household operations.”
He claims he did acknowledge and appreciate what she does in his response, though, in his words, “(He) would be capable if the roles were reversed.”
What was the wife’s response?
OP’s response really hurt his wife. She took his response to mean that OP was suggesting she wasn’t as capable or as intellectual as he was.
OP’s wife got angry, started crying, and stated that she “was a very good student and had she graduated, she would be in (OP’s) position as well.”
Was OP wrong for what he said? The public didn’t hold back their opinions:
OP isn’t thinking about the sacrifice his wife made
“Your wife is a very smart woman who probably prepared her whole life for a challenging technical career. And now, for better or worse, she is a SAHM with no degree or paying job.
“It’s clear that you are proud of your intellectual capabilities and the complex tasks you tackle at work. It is part of your identity and your ego. Your wife has none of that, even though that’s what she wanted. What little source of pride she has (her household tasks), her own spouse diminishes and minimizes. How would that make you feel if you were in her shoes?
“Would you consider supporting your wife to finish her degree?”
OP actually can’t do his wife’s job
“Your wife gave up everything in order to raise your child. This includes making your master’s degree and your career possible. You would have neither of those things if she hadn’t sacrificed everything she wanted for herself to make your life possible. She could’ve left you with a kid, returned to her home country, and let all of your dreams fall apart instead of her own.
“Several people have suggested that you take up her job since you believe you can do it and allow her to return to her education. You have declined. This means you literally can’t do her job. You lied. Why would you decline to do this? I’ll tell you. It’s because it is a massive personal cost and sacrifice to give up what you want so someone else can have what they want.
“That’s what she did for you. You aren’t capable of that, or you would. Forget the groceries. You literally are refusing to do her job because the cost is too high for you to pay (in your mind). It wasn’t too high for her to pay and for her to keep paying, so you actually cannot do her job.
“I suggest that you do something to allow her to be more fulfilled. At a minimum, cut back on your work hours so she can return to her education part-time, take up a lot more at home so she can pursue another interest, whatever. Either way, it’s the bare minimum you owe her. She’s obviously unfulfilled, and since she made your dreams happen, it’s your turn to return the favor. Stop saying you can do her job when you can’t and are flat-out unwilling to, and start looking for ways to give her a sense of pride and accomplishment. She deserves a happy and fulfilled life, too.”
Another commenter followed up, writing, “Even if you can shop for the stupid groceries or pack the kids’ lunches unless you are willing to give up everything she gave up, you actually demonstrably cannot do her job. You literally can’t.
“You find the cost and the sacrifice too steep, too high. She paid in her own hopes, dreams, goals, and desires. Unless you can do that extremely painful thing and do the groceries and the lunches and the bedtimes, you can’t do her job. Many people in these comments have suggested he do just that, and he says no. Put your money where your mouth is, or stop lying. It’s that simple.”
This husband is failing to understand his wife’s job entirely
“It’s not only how hard housework is, but how unpleasant. I think that even if it was highly paid, it’s not a job most people would go for. It’s both physically and mentally draining, underestimated, and mostly very isolating.
“Being a SAHM is lonely, and you are always doing overtime. OP doesn’t seem to get his wife is looking for validation through her comments, and he also doesn’t seem to get that if she feels the need to ask for it, it’s because things at home aren’t going as smoothly as he thinks.
“I’ve seen so many cases of men who are so blindsided by divorce requests, yet they were given every sign that their partners were unhappy.”
OP is trying to make sure his wife has to depend on him
“This reeks of an insecure man who wants to keep his talented wife in check by ensuring she stays economically dependent. ‘She was an academic snob??’ You mean, she was doing so well academically that she was able to choose the institution, including Ivy League ones?
“‘I tell her it is hard to start a career late.’ Way to demotivate an already insecure person! Subtle remarks like this can nag at you until you believe them yourself and think you will never be able to make it in life.
“If this woman is as clever as OP describes her, I really, really hope she wakes up soon and realizes the manipulation and disappointment she has been subjected to. The wife sounds WAY above OP’s league. I’m sure he realized that pretty early on and made sure to chain her to him while her visa status was still insecure and she hadn’t finished her education.”
This article was written and syndicated by What the Fab.
What would you do if you hated a Christmas present?
There’s nothing worse than someone ungrateful for a Christmas gift. In this case, it wasn’t the recipient. It was her husband.
He insists the luxury gift wasn’t expensive enough, and people are livid.
This rich man made a shocking confession to his poor fiancée
Despite making more than four times his fiancée’s income, this rich man insisted that the couple split their bills equally.
When she informed him that the couple would have to downgrade their luxury lifestyle for her to pay an equal share, he exploded with rage.
You won’t believe what he admitted next.
This husband wanted to retire without his wife
This husband cut his wife out, but in a different way, at least in her eyes. He wanted to retire to South America for seven months out of the year, leaving behind their parents, children, and young grandchildren.
She wanted to spend more time with their young grandchildren instead of jetting off to South America for the majority of the year. To her surprise, he was perfectly okay with going alone and leaving her behind.
Is retiring without your spouse okay?
This is what people have to say.
Elise Armitage is an entrepreneur and founder of What The Fab, a travel + lifestyle blog based in California. At the beginning of 2019, Elise left her corporate job at Google to chase her dreams: being an entrepreneur and helping women find fabulous in the everyday. Since then, she’s launched her SEO course Six-Figure SEO, where she teaches bloggers how to create a passive revenue stream from their website using SEO. Featured in publications like Forbes, Elle, HerMoney, and Real Simple, Elise is a firm believer that you can be of both substance and style.
