Many couples look forward to relaxing in retired bliss together, but that wasn’t the case for one husband who instead looked to leave his wife for seven months of the year.
His goal: retire to South America for most of the year, leaving behind his family in another continent. His wife had other plans, hoping to spend more time with their young grandchildren at home.
Is he wrong for wanting to leave his wife behind for the better part of the year?
This is how it played out:
Backstory
The husband, or original poster (OP), just retired at age 55. 12 years ago, he bought property in South America and has been developing it ever since with the hopes of spending his retirement at the home there.
OP really doesn’t like the winter, stating, “If I never see snow again, it will be too soon,” so the warm weather of South America is enticing.
How long has OP been planning this for?
Retiring in South America has been OP’s life’s goal since he was 16, and he has always informed his family and his wife about it.
As a dual citizen, it’s easy for OP to own property where the home is located. OP’s wife has been joining him on these trips down to help buy the land and develop the property. She picked the furniture and decor and designed the landscaping to make the house feel like theirs.
See also: Best Places To Retire in 2023
What is the house like?
OP describes the house as an oasis, stating, “It was designed to be perfect for us.”
The property features 34 different fruit trees, a pool, and quarters for a gardener or caretaker. OP has made considerations for their old age in retirement by installing things like grab bars in the showers and making sure that the house doesn’t have any stairs.
In the main house are guest rooms, where OP’s friends and family have stayed before. The couple has already put the home to good use, vacationing there for eight years, hosting their loved ones, and renting out the property to travelers when they’re not there.
What happened?
Now that OP has retired, he wants to go down to the house in the winter, staying for seven months, as originally planned. In the summer, he’ll come back to do contract work.
OP’s wife, however, has decided she no longer wants to go and, therefore, no longer wants OP to go either. She wants to be involved in caring for their grandchildren. OP’s parents and the couple’s children also live close to their current home.
How did OP react?
OP was not happy about his wife’s change of heart. He agreed that it “is absolutely her right” to no longer want to spend seven months in South America, but also couldn’t stop him from going, especially because he told her this plan before they got married.
Without telling his wife, OP went ahead and booked a flight down to the property in South America. He didn’t understand that when she expressed not wanting to go down for the whole winter, she meant both of them, not just her.
Did OP cancel his flight?
When OP’s wife found out and got angry, he refused to cancel his flight and said that he would see his wife in the spring unless she wanted to come visit earlier.
In OP’s eyes, flights are cheap, and the couple has plenty of space for guests, so there’s no reason that his children, grandchildren, and parents can’t come to visit.
Did the family find out?
OP’s family took the side of his wife. After they found out what he did, his parents and children nagged him about leaving his spouse behind. He doubled down on his actions, insisting that this was “100% her choice.”
Who is right? The internet was incredibly divided:
To each their own
“You can’t force her to live there, but she can’t force you to live where you don’t like either.”
OP’s wife had plenty of time to change her mind
“It sounds like the OP did everything in his power to advertise his intentions. The wife had years to get off the train before this stop. This absolutely sounds like one of those ‘Oh, I can change him’ attitudes. When he actually pulled the pin, she surprised him with an about-face.
“People can do what they want, but in this case, she was the one who pulled the bait and switch. You don’t suddenly change your mind on this; she should have been fighting this out for years. While it’s possible the OP ignored warning signs, this was HARDLY an impulsive life move.”
This couple needs to compromise
“Married people make compromises for each other. There is a middle ground where they spend three of the worst winter months in South America together, and then OP heads back alone for a couple of weeks here and there throughout the year.
“People are allowed to change their minds about where they want to live long term. The wife isn’t a (bad person) because she became more attached to her grandkids than she anticipated.
“When the wife says she doesn’t want to be away for seven months anymore, there has to be a big discussion, and they both have to give a little. To just shrug like he is fine with it and then book flights without saying anything is a (really bad) move.
“(People) must be deeply lonely or hate their spouses since the majority thinks this is a-okay. These two might as well divorce if OP is happy to spend seven months of the year away from his wife and doesn’t care about her wishes.”
Grandchildren change things
“Honestly, the wife may have been very on board with this plan for most of her life. She invested time and effort into it (she decorated it and regularly visited it). But their kids are likely late 20s to early 30s and are having babies now. She may have just realized how much she’ll miss out on if she moves to another country because before, it was just hypothetical.
“My parents just moved a mile from me after we moved away two years ago. We visited each other often, but it wasn’t the same as being able to call Sunday afternoon and ask if my son wanted to go to the latest movie. I couldn’t spontaneously drop by with my toddler to have lunch during the week. Sure, we were together for big events like birthdays and holidays, but a lot of life is not big events.
“OP is not (in the wrong), but I do think there is a lot of compromise on both sides to be had here.”
Communication is key, but OP has been communicating
“Communication is key, and my guy has been communicating this for what, 39 years, and then the wife decides she suddenly doesn’t want to do it anymore after always knowing the plan and even participating in it?”
A follow-up comment from OP cements his open communication. He wrote, “She has known since we started dating 35 years ago that this was my plan. She went with me to purchase the land. She helped me work out the budget for the building. She bought all the furniture and decorations for the house. She planned the landscaping. Can you please explain to me how I could better have communicated to her that I was planning on retiring down there?”
This doesn’t need to be an all-or-nothing situation
“This is where I’m landing. He leaves in September. She comes down in October or stays until he comes up for Thanksgiving or Christmas (or kids and grandkids come to them for the holidays). They leave together and stay until spring.
“It doesn’t have to be an all-or-nothing proposition, but the wife is making it seem like he can only go when she’s ready to be there. He’s already said he will be back 5 months of the year for contract work, so it’s not as if he won’t have any time for the grandkids.
“When I was growing up, we saw grandparents once or twice a year as we lived several states away. This is not abnormal. Plus, some people don’t want to be day-to-day caregiving grandparents. It’s okay if he’s of the variety that doesn’t want to be.
“If she wants to do seven months at home base and five months in the retirement home, and he wants seven months in the retirement home and five at home base, we’re only talking a potential eight weeks total that they aren’t in the same home. That’s not a whole lot of time in a long-standing marriage where compassion and compromise rule the day.”
This article was written and syndicated by What the Fab.
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Elise Armitage is an entrepreneur and founder of What The Fab, a travel + lifestyle blog based in California. At the beginning of 2019, Elise left her corporate job at Google to chase her dreams: being an entrepreneur and helping women find fabulous in the everyday. Since then, she’s launched her SEO course Six-Figure SEO, where she teaches bloggers how to create a passive revenue stream from their website using SEO. Featured in publications like Forbes, Elle, HerMoney, and Real Simple, Elise is a firm believer that you can be of both substance and style.
