As their parents start to age, successful adult children often begin offering financial support. Fixed budgets and thin retirement funds can make it difficult for elderly parents to maintain the lifestyle they had when they were working.
This was the case for one daughter, who offered her parents $500 a month for support with groceries and bills, along with larger sums for surprise expenses.
When she found out that her parents were using the money to help out her “deadbeat” brother, she became enraged, threatening to cut her parents off entirely.
After her family guilt-tripped her for her change of heart, the woman took to the internet to ask if she was in the wrong.
Here’s what happened and what people thought:
Backstory
The woman in question, or the original poster (OP), is 32. She has one brother, who is 35. OP does “well for [herself]” and describes her brother as “trash.”
According to OP, “He has multiple baby mommas and is a deadbeat. He also is the apple of my mom’s eye. He can do no wrong and is just misunderstood.”
OP’s parents are married and living on a fixed income, so OP gives her parents monthly financial support.
How much money does OP give her parents?
OP gives her parents roughly $500 a month for recurring expenses like groceries and bills. If OP’s parents have a surprise expense or emergency, she’ll give them extra money, “no questions asked,” she says.
What happened?
Recently, OP’s mother asked her for $2,000, so she sent it to her without question, as usual. She didn’t think anything of it until she saw her brother at their cousin’s wedding.
OP’s brother had originally turned down his invitation to the wedding, as it was a destination wedding, and he could not afford to go.
Did OP’s brother behave himself at the wedding?
Based on how OP describes her brother, it isn’t too farfetched to think that he’d stir up trouble at the wedding, which is exactly what he did.
It was tough for OP to ignore her brother’s bad behavior at the wedding. Her brother ended up missing the wedding ceremony entirely because he was intimate with a random woman he met on an excursion and went back to her resort.
How did OP’s family react to her brother missing the wedding?
OP’s aunt, the bride’s mother, didn’t hide her anger about OP’s brother missing the wedding. Because her brother didn’t decide to attend the wedding until the last minute, her aunt had to make special arrangements for him to be there.
In her fury, OP’s aunt said that OP’s mother shouldn’t have given her brother the money to go to the wedding if he wasn’t going to actually show up, which shocked OP and raised red flags.
Did OP confront her mother about the money?
OP decided to enjoy the wedding and ask questions later. When she got home, she confronted her mother about what she used the $2,000 OP gave her for.
What did OP’s mother say?
OP’s mom lied when she was confronted about the money. Her mother said that she used the money for “something for the house.” When OP asked specifically what it was for in the house, her mother couldn’t give her an answer—she didn’t know that OP knew her mother gave the $2,000 to her brother because of what her aunt said at the wedding.
How did OP respond?
OP told her mother that she knew the truth. From that point on, OP said she needed to be provided with receipts from her parents for exactly what they used the money for.
OP expressed that she has no issue with supporting her parents, but “I will be [appalled] if I work my ass off for [my mom] to give my money to my [worthless] brother.”
Did OP’s parents take the new rule well?
When OP expressed that she’d need to see receipts moving forward, her mother started crying. “My dad said that they weren’t children and didn’t answer to me,” said OP.
At that point, OP agreed with him and walked out.
What did OP’s other family members have to say?
After OP’s outburst, she didn’t talk to her parents for two months. Eventually, her aunt called, trying to guilt-trip OP into supporting her parents again.
“[She] told me that my parents were thinking of going to the food bank since they didn’t have any money. I said I had given them $2,000 a couple of months ago, and that was more than my family of three spent on food at that time,” said OP.
OP’s aunt then responded that OP knew her parents had spent the money she gave them on her brother, to which she retorted, “He should probably pay them back then.” At that point, OP’s aunt called her a vulgar name.
Was OP in the wrong for cutting her parents off? The internet didn’t hold back their opinions:
OP’s parents act like they don’t need her
“Rather than swallowing their pride and acknowledging just how essential OP’s assistance has been to them, OP’s parents would rather pretend they don’t really need her.
“They seem just as determined to minimize her contributions as they are to minimize her brother’s flaws.
“Clearly, they’re too proud to admit they made a mistake by giving the money to their son…and lying about what they did with it…and never appreciating all OP does for them.
“Let them suck it up and go to a soup kitchen.
“Let’s see how eager they are to loan their son thousands of dollars so he can travel and [mess] around in a new city after that.”
Why isn’t OP’s aunt footing the bill if she cares so much?
“Your aunt calling you a [bad name] is funny. If she cares so much about your parents, she should be footing the bill. I highly doubt [she will] because people are always one to talk but never to sign the check.
“Stand your ground and let them suffer a little so they understand. They won’t die over eating some food from the food bank for once.”
OP’s mother’s lying proves she knew she was wrong
“If your Mom truly believed she had done no wrong, why did she repeatedly lie to you? She doesn’t even have the conviction of purpose to justify her actions. She chose to steal from you to support your brother. She can live with that choice and the loss of income from it.
“If your Aunt is so passionate about your parents’ plight, she just hosted a destination wedding for her kids. She can surely support her sister in her hour of need, right? It’s what family would do.“
OP is not responsible for her parents’ financial woes
“[OP’s parents’ are] on a fixed income, and instead of using an additional supplement wisely, they wasted it on your brother. If all it took was two months of no financial support to need a food bank, they should have been more diligent with what they were receiving.
“Your aunt can call you all the names in the book, but her anger is misdirected. She should be mad at her sibling for wasting the support they received. Your parents don’t answer to you, and you’re not responsible for providing a gravy train.”
OP’s parents’ were right
“Your parents are right, they aren’t children. They lied to you to get money and then expected more. I’m sorry to say this, but it doesn’t seem like your parents respect you or care for you outside of being a wallet for them. If your parents are on a fixed income, then they need to live within their means.
“Don’t give them more money unless you feel it’s absolutely necessary, like if you want to help with medical bills.”
This article was written and syndicated by What the Fab.
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Elise Armitage is an entrepreneur and founder of What The Fab, a travel + lifestyle blog based in California. At the beginning of 2019, Elise left her corporate job at Google to chase her dreams: being an entrepreneur and helping women find fabulous in the everyday. Since then, she’s launched her SEO course Six-Figure SEO, where she teaches bloggers how to create a passive revenue stream from their website using SEO. Featured in publications like Forbes, Elle, HerMoney, and Real Simple, Elise is a firm believer that you can be of both substance and style.
