Military punishments may not be quite as brutal as they sound.
Serious breaches of military law within the U.S. Air Force, Army, Coast Guard, Marines, and Navy come with a court martial for general court, special court, or summary court. This often results in severe punishment like dishonorable discharge. However, some military leaders find more—erm—creative solutions for smaller violations like forgetting to wear part of your uniform.
When asked, “What’s the most hilarious punishment you’ve ever heard of someone receiving in the military, and how did they end up in that absurd situation?” in an online forum, veterans and their loved ones chimed in with the most ridiculous military punishments.
Here are the absurd military punishments that kept basic training interesting:
1. The Hand Hat
“Couple of guys hated wearing their cover (hat), so they kept ‘forgetting’ to put it on when going outside.
“Sgt made them each ‘wear’ the other guy’s hand as cover for a few days. They looked so ridiculous/miserable walking around holding another man’s bald head.”
2. A Night at the Opera
“We had a guy who could just not get his [act] together. We all know that troop. Even the easy things were hard, etc etc.
“The cadre found out he was a former opera singer and also fluent in German. So they made him write and sing opera songs about his [mess] ups. This was the only thing he was good at.
“Now, here’s where this gets hilarious, beyond one dude singing self-deprecating songs in a marching formation. The cadre would bark ‘German style!’ and he’d seamlessly switch his lyrics to German. They’d yell ‘underwater style!’ and he’d take his index finger and flip it up and down on his lips as he sang, making the song sound bubbly.
“Not only could the cadre not hold it together, the guys in his company would absolutely lose it. Complete breakdown in military bearing, and no one cared. Other cadre and instructors would come just to listen, and they would be in tears laughing.”
3. Repentance with Puns
“Trainee soldier on a yomp through the English countryside leveled his rifle at a sheep. It was dumb, but he was nowhere near stupid enough to actually shoot it.
“Someone further up the chain found out and made him write an apology letter to God for threatening one of His creations. Every sentence had to have a sheep-related pun, ‘to keep it light.’
“[He] filled a whole sheet of A4, on his own, before the next morning. The sergeant told him he was wasting his talents in the army.
“He agreed and dropped out a few weeks later. Apparently, he’s a writer at the BBC now.”
4. Wearing a Real-Life ID
“Guy kept losing his ID/leaving it sitting in the computer. Chief ‘borrowed’ it, took it to one of those one-hour print job places, had it blown up to like 3 feet across, cut the picture out, and made the idiot walk around all day holding his enormous ID up with his face in the cut-out hole. He stopped misplacing his ID after that.”
5. Apologizing to the Plants
“At mile four of a 12-mile hump (quick water break), my assistant gunner forgot the tripod for the M60.
“The platoon sergeant made him hug and apologize to every tree along his side of the road for wasting oxygen for the rest of the road march. Eight miles of this, and no one could go past him. A road march that should’ve taken three hours ended up taking 12. There’s a lot of trees at Ft. Campbell.”
6. Caring for a Ladybug
“I once had a ladybug land on my desk during morning inspection. When staff found it, I had to write a 500-word biography of who the bug was, etc., and then had to make sure he was there for the rest of the week in good health for every morning inspection that week.”
7. Tanning Rocks
When one soldier stormed out of the building on a superior, they had to give rocks a day in the sun.
“I had to tan rocks. [I had to] lay them out and flip them every 15 minutes to make sure they got an even tan. Rocks don’t tan,” the soldier explained.
8. Funeral for a Beetle
“Guy killed a dung beetle at Ft. Benning / Ft. Moore in Georgia. Airborne instructors made everyone stand at attention in the sawdust pit. Orders came to the beetle killer:
“Sgt. Airborne: ‘Dig a shallow grave!’
“He gets down on his knees digs a shallow grave in the sawdust.
“Sgt. Airborne: ‘Say a few kind words!’
“Beetle Killer, at the position of attention: ‘I’m sorry beetle. You were a good beetle. I’m sorry I killed you. You didn’t deserve to die.’
“Sgt. Airborne: ‘Everyone, salute!’
“Followed by Sgt. Airborne humming taps while Beetle Killer fills in the small grave site.”
9. A Boulder Challenge
“We had a tradition when you were new to the unit and went on our first summer exercise (National Guard) that you would need to carry a rock around with you. It was an inspectable item, so it needed to be with you at all times. You were not to let anyone else have this rock. The trick was if you lost the rock, you’d get another rock chosen by the platoon sergeant.
“One guy had a hard time with the ‘Don’t give this to anyone else’ and kept losing his rock. After the 4th or 5th time, the platoon sergeant gave him what I can only describe as a small Boulder. This kid had to
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10. Becoming the Company Satellite
“The smallest and scrawniest dude in the company would fall out on ruck marches. So to build him up, and because it was funny, the NCOs made him run around the company when we marched anywhere shouting, ‘I’m a satellite!’
“They only made him shout on the first day, but they kept up the running orbit thing for probably two weeks. It actually worked.”
11. Wearing the Flavor Flav Clock Chain
“This guy was constantly late to everything. Never out of bed on time, never in formation when he was supposed to be, etc.
“The Sargents pulled a clock off the wall, attached a bike chain to it, and made it look like a big ass necklace. (If you were a rap fan back in the day, you may know where this is going)
“They made the dude wear it like a [Flavor] Flav clock chain. They would constantly scream at him, ‘[Flavor] Flav, what time is it?!?’
“He learned to be on time real quick.”
This article was written and syndicated by What the Fab.
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Elise Armitage is an entrepreneur and founder of What The Fab, a travel + lifestyle blog based in California. At the beginning of 2019, Elise left her corporate job at Google to chase her dreams: being an entrepreneur and helping women find fabulous in the everyday. Since then, she’s launched her SEO course Six-Figure SEO, where she teaches bloggers how to create a passive revenue stream from their website using SEO. Featured in publications like Forbes, Elle, HerMoney, and Real Simple, Elise is a firm believer that you can be of both substance and style.
